My Graduation Reflection

June 13, 2010.

That is the day that I will stand up with my fellow Seattle University seniors and accept my diploma. As of right now, I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing after this day. These things I know: I want to help people. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to work with children. I want to work with health-related organizations.

In order to better understand where I go after graduation, I think that it’s important to reflect on what has helped to shape who I am today.

Gloria Strauss.

I met the Strauss family because we both went to the same church. I would join other church members in bringing over meals once Gloria was diagnosed, and started babysitting for them. I remember I was babysitting one night when Kristen and Doug had to go out, and Gloria had been at Children’s for a minor procedure. Gloria was in pain, so she was just hanging out on a chair in the family room. I was trying to get her younger brothers to sleep, but they were having none of it. They told me that they would only go to sleep if Gloria put them to bed. I went to the family room to check on Glow and she asked how the boys were doing. I told her that they would only go to sleep if she put them to bed. Even though she was in pain, she got up out of her chair and put them to bed. That was one instance of Gloria’s superhuman strength and love for her family that I will always remember.

In 2005 when I was applying for colleges, I had my sights set on the private, Jesuit school in Seattle, Seattle University. (This also happened to be where Doug Strauss graduated from!) The personal essay required upon application for admission was to be written in concordance with the university’s Jesuit values of making a positive change in the world. Naturally, Gloria was the first example that came to my mind. I wrote my essay on how much Gloria has inspired me by always wanting to make the world a better place.

A few weeks later, I received my acceptance letter.

Gloria taught me how to believe. She showed me that God is everywhere, and that anything is possible through Him. When Gloria went into her coma in August of 2007, I was at Children’s almost daily. On one instance, it was just Doug and me there, and he had to leave to go check on the family. He asked me to stay by her side, and I was more than happy to oblige. I held her hand and prayed the rosary out loud. (Gloria said that praying the rosary was the only time that she didn’t feel any pain.) While praying the rosary, I SWEAR that I felt Gloria squeeze my hand. Even though she was in a coma, I know that she was still there, fighting for her life. I will never forget that special time that I got to spend privately with this future saint.

Watching Gloria come out of her coma and return to praying for her healing, I was inspired beyond words. Here was this tiny body, wracked with cancer. She could have cried. She could have given up. She could have complained. But that wasn’t Gloria. Gloria kept her eyes on God and continued to pray. She played with her siblings, and flashed that famous Glow smile to people who came to visit her. Through all of this, the cancer was growing and causing her so much pain. She was tired, but she never gave up.

After she gained her heavenly angel wings, Gloria taught me still another lesson: she made heaven real. I had thought about heaven, but it was always an abstract concept. Sure, it existed…Right? But once Gloria left our world and entered the kingdom of God, I KNEW that heaven was real. How? Because Gloria was a saint on earth, and she belonged in a place that was worthy of her holy presence. I knew that she was dancing in heaven, free of pain and painting everything her signature sparkly pink.

Being a Survivor.

The college years, specifically the undergraduate years, are supposed to be the “peak party years.” As an undergraduate student we are expected, almost obligated, to attend parties and drink alcohol every weekend. Even if we don’t go out every weekend, our 21st birthdays require going on a “21 run,” or going from bar to bar until an often-dangerous level of intoxication is reached. But as a survivor of sexual assault, the concept of being out-of-control-drunk is terrifying. I am living in a constant state of contradiction, with my “college female self” competing with my “sexual assault survivor self.”

I entered Seattle University as a freshman in September of 2005. I went through all of the Welcome Week activities, and halfheartedly paid attention to the staff’s attempt to educate us on the dangers of drinking. As the days progressed, I quickly added “college female” to my repertoire of “selves.” I was eager and excited to be living away from home, and was fully enjoying a new sense of freedom. It wasn’t two weeks before I was at my first “college party.” It was at some random house off campus, and it was packed. One of my friends went and got us a cup of beer, and I drank it even though it tasted disgusting. But that’s what college girls did, right? I went to many more on- and off-campus parties throughout my freshman year, and even learned to acquire a taste for various types of alcohol.

Growing up, my younger sister was a gorgeous cheerleader and had every boy in our high school lined up around the block for her. Needless to say, boys were seldom interested in me, and I never dated. Spring quarter of my freshman year, I became friends with the desk assistant in my residence hall. A junior, he was very sweet and paid a lot of attention to me. As quick as the cherry trees around campus were blooming, so was our relationship. One night, he invited me over to his room in a different residence hall. When I arrived, I asked where his roommate was and he told me that he was spending the night at his girlfriend’s apartment. Things started out innocently enough, but quickly transformed into a situation that was out of my control. I left his room that night with a new “self” that I had never imagined that I would possess: sexual assault victim.

Women are told to never walk alone after dark, to wear modest clothing, and to never drink too much. Society paints the portrait of the rapist as the stranger who jumps out from behind the bushes. He is usually construed as an African American male with a weapon, who forces women into dark alleys and makes them perform sexual acts against their will. Additionally, a victim of rape is usually portrayed with obvious physical injuries. If a woman is drunk, or if she is wearing a short skirt and cleavage-revealing shirt, she is said to have been “asking for it.” Society, most frequently in the form of the media, inundates the public with these false messages, known as rape myths. So when I was alone in the room with him, sexual assault was the last thing that I thought would happen. After all, I knew him. He was a nice guy, and was always telling me how beautiful I was. If I would have known the truth, maybe I would have been more cautious: nearly ninety percent of rapes are by people that the victim knows.

The immediate months after were hard, to say the least. I tried to just ignore it and deal on my own at first. Two years later, when that didn’t work, I sought help from the Harborview Center for Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress. I was introduced to a woman named Cecilia, who would help me process everything that I was feeling. I worked with her for about six months. Six months of having to remember and repeat out loud every horrible detail. Six months of flashbacks and sleepless nights. But once we got to the end of treatment, everything was so much better.

While what Cecilia put me through was hard, it was worth every second in the end. And while I didn’t always appreciate her strict but supportive methods, I couldn’t have done it without her. I’m lucky enough to have a friendship with her now, and am so excited that she is going to become a mom in a few months. She may be nervous, but I know that she’s going to be amazing!

As a college female, I am told by my peers to “just go out and let loose.” I am told to have a few too many drinks and to make out with cute strangers. I look around at my friends and see them so carefree, and wish that I could be the same way. My “college female self” is very prominent in my life, and it is one that I fully embrace. I enjoy almost everything about being a college female: going out, letting my hair down, and having a good time with my friends. But after my assault, the foremost self that took over my awareness was my “sexual assault victim self.” From the moment that I assumed the identity of a sexual assault victim, the internal struggle began.

After my assault, I was a victim. I was helpless, confused, and powerless. I eventually re-learned how to survive each day, and how to function properly. One day, an organization called the FEAR Project came to campus. (FEAR stood for Friends Educating Against Rape.) I was introduced to a woman named Allison, and we became fast friends. Allison had a sexual assault history as well, but was much farther along in her healing process than I was. It was her friendship, as well as the friendship of a staff member at Seattle University, that provided me the example of how to live a healthy life after sexual assault. I had many conversations with these women, and time and time again they told me how to crawl out of my “victim hole” and put on my “survivor armor.”

These words never sank in until I took on planning an event called “Take Back the Night.” Take Back the Night is an event designed to empower survivors of sexual assault and educated the public about its prevalence. I coordinated this huge event, and has the pleasure of watching it all come to fruition one dark May night. I was feeling confident, until I saw him walk in and sit down. I immediately began to shake, and sought support from one of my friends. I watched as all of my planning went just as planned, and during the open microphone portion, I watched as woman after woman got up to share her story. I had not planned on getting up to speak, for I had no idea what I would even say. But somehow, I found myself up off my chair and walking onto the stage. I couldn’t tell you what I said, but I remember the feeling I had afterward. I walked off that stage feeling like the victim was finally gone, and I had become a survivor. It was the countless conversations and support that was provided to enabled my transformation from victim to survivor.

Once I embraced this new “sexual assault survivor self,” I was better able to handle the conflict with my “college female self.” Now, I can go out and let my hair down with my friends. I can flirt with guys, and not freak out. Sure, I still have a heightened sense of awareness, and I still question the motives of men. But I can better balance these two selves and have come to accept them as a part of who I am. I may live in a constant state of contradiction and conversation, but I have learned to embrace conflict, and deal with it as it comes to me.

Family and Friends.

I am such a relationship-oriented person. There have been many people who have made an impact not only on my college years, but my 23 years of life as well.

Rebecca Salinas– Oh my Reba Sal…She is one of the best friends that I will ever have. From walking 60 miles for a cure, to enjoying a Magners at Barca, to going to the zoo and enjoying “nature,” we have been together through it all. I know that I can trust her with anything, and enjoy every day with her. I can’t wait to be standing up with her as she gets married next year!

Christin Carroll– Christin Lynnea is my country music loving blonde west-winger. We share a love of music, Jesus, and making videos at 3am that we find hilarious but no one else understands. Even though we have different political and religious philosophies, she has taught me how to be tolerant of others, and how to stand up for what I believe in. She is such a strong woman, and I can’t wait to see where her life is going to go after college.

Allison Hericks – Alle is fearless. She’s always up for an adventure, and loves to have a good time. But she’s also fiercely dedicated to academics and her work. Watching her balance being a good student and employee with her nights of fun, Alle has taught me that I can have the best of both worlds. Getting to know her has given me many nights of laughter, as well as an endless list of beauty tips.

Deb Hinchey– Deborah Marie was perhaps the first SU staff that I formed a close relationship with. I got the opportunity to work with her on the Peer Health Action Team and through that, found my love for health and educating my peers. Although I came to her time after time with problems, she never gave up on me. Even though we’ve drifted apart as she has been given more university responsibilities and I no longer work in her office, Deb still has a special place in my heart.

Kelley Masterson – Kelley Claire is one of my favorite people in the whole world! My confirmation sponsor and spiritual big sister, Kelley has always been the biggest Catholic influence on my life. Although her never-ending positive attitude and forgiving heart has me frustrated sometimes, I know that she’s showing me how to be a better person. Kelley has always been there for me, and I love her and her family like they are my own.

Mom – My mom is one of the only people that understands my love and need for tradition. As family wants to change holiday traditions or skip some part of our normal routine, my mom understands how much I love doing the things that we grew up doing. My favorite times with her are when we are making Christmas cookies and watching Prancer, because no one else likes to watch it. Although we haven’t always gotten along, we never give up on each other.

Dad – Growing up, Dad was always a pretty strict disciplinarian. Rachael and I always had rules and chores to stick to, and a curfew to abide by. It wasn’t until after I moved to college that we developed a close relationship. We chat a few times a week, and I know that I can tell him anything and never have to worry about being judged. Rachael and I joke that as we have gotten older, it seems like Dad has gotten younger. It’s nice to see the hilarious, easy-going side of him that we didn’t always see growing up.

Rachael – Every summer, my family would pack up our van and take a few weeks to drive around the US and Canada. For days on end, Rachael and I would sit together in the backseat, and talk until our parents were annoyed with us. I loved sharing a bed with her, when she didn’t hog the covers at night! We are very different people, but very much sisters. And while we don’t always agree, it’s nice to be able to give her advice on something, and have her give me advice back on something else. As we both grow into adults, I can’t wait to see how our friendship is going to get even closer.

Grandma Squires – My Grandma Squires is seriously the coolest, spunkiest woman I know. I always look forward to chatting with her every weekend, and count the days until I get to see her again. Grandma has been such a role model for me. I’ve seen what she’s had to go through these past 20-odd years, and how strong of a woman she is. She’s taught me how to be a strong, independent woman, and that a sense of humor is essential to making the best out of life.

Cecilia Ortiz – Cecilia saved my life every day. As much as I told her that I hated that she would never let me get away with anything, it was what I so desperately needed. I could get nothing past her, and she was always so honest with me. She sat on the floor with me when I was freaking out, and helped me process one of the most difficult events of my life. Now, we are friends and I hope that I show her some of the care that she showed me.

Elizabeth Sikes – SIKES! That’s always what I say when I see her. ☺ Dr. Sikes was one of my all-time favorite professors. Many would be surprised to know that she teaches philosophy, one of my all-time least favorite subjects. But Sikes was always incredibly patient with me, and would let me sit in her office and babble until something made sense. Along with helping me become bffs with Descartes, she increased my love of the environment and provided me with my new love of food ethics. She gets me. And that’s so huge.

Erin Beary Andersen – I have spent many an hour in Erin’s office. She’s usually the first person I go to with a crisis, as well as the first person that I go to with great news. She’s an amazing listener, and gives the best hugs of anyone I know! She has gotten to see me grow up so much these past 5 years, and probably knows more about me than I do. Erin has been such an amazing role model, and I am so blessed to have her in my life.

Michele Murray – I can tell Michele anything. I mean, ANYTHING. I have no idea why. She helped me figure out why I couldn’t understand those damn philosophy classes, and is the reason why I am the student I am today. Her approval means so much to me, and I am always striving to make sure that I don’t disappoint her. Through everything I’ve been through academically, Michele has always been my biggest cheerleader. I can’t wait to receive my diploma and jump into her arms and tell her that I did it!

What’s Next?

I’m going to finish my last undergraduate quarter of school. I’m going to graduate. I’m going to find a great job. I’m going to take all of the people and events who have helped shape me and incorporate them into the college graduate that I will soon be. Thank you for being a part of my life, and I’m excited to see where the future takes us!


Love always,

Stephanie