a: an injury (as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent
b: a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury
c: an emotional upset
When you're a little kid, many things can be traumatic. When your parents take away your favorite blanket because you're too old for it, that can be traumatic. When you're giving a curfew much earlier than your friends, that can be traumatic. These things can seem traumatic at the time, but the incidents that are truly traumatic have a much deeper sense of hurt.
Some children are abused, and this is certainly traumatic. Any sort of physical abuse is considered a trauma.
Other children are verbally abused. Just because this form of trauma doesn't leave physical markings, doesn't mean that it's any less traumatic than physical abuse.
I'm saying this not because I was physically or verbally abused as a child, but I believe that a trauma of sorts occurred.
See, growing up I always felt like my mother didn't support me. Actually, this feeling has continued throughout my 23 years. Sure, I know she loves me, but she's not the warm and fuzzy type. I have always been told what I'm doing wrong, instead of praised for what I'm doing right. I've always felt that no matter what I do, no matter how high my grades, I'm never good enough.
I would say that this was a significant trauma in my life. I have residual feelings of abandonment, and a deflated self esteem. Throughout my life, I have looked to others for validation and praise. In my early college years, I went about this in an inappropriate manner, and it wasn't until I burned a few bridges that I figured out what I was doing wrong. To this day, I have to continually check-in with myself and ask if what I'm doing is ok. I've come pretty far, and am proud of the progress that I have made.
That said!
This week has led me to think about the transition of trauma from childhood to adulthood.
No matter how far I've come, no matter how much I've talked it out with trusted people, residual feelings remain. This week, an incident occurred that triggered a feeling of abandonment. Cognitively, I know that what happened was justified by policy and whatever, but when you have such an open and honest relationship, it hurts.
I don't want to say who this person is for both of our sakes, but I'll try to put it in some context. It's like having a friend or mentor that you can tell anything to. I'm talking ANYTHING. Someone that you can trust unconditionally; someone that you know will never judge you.
Then imagine that you have to stop talking to this person. Just like that.
For someone with a past like mine, this was incredibly painful. Especially in this time of transition, where I'm going from student to working adult. In this time where everything and everyone it seems has changed. My best friends, my roommates for 3 years, have all scattered to start a new adventure in their lives. I no longer have a routine of going to classes and being a student. I'm not going to PT twice a week. It's like my life has been pulled out from under me. But one thing was a constant: this relationship.
Now that it's over, I have to cling to the few new constants I have. The best thing in my life right now is the GoGirl Academy. It's a really amazing group of women, and I know that I'm going to get more out of it than I can ever imagine. Everyone is so inspiring, and the leadership team is phenomenal. I have an AMAZING coach/bff, Jenni Hogan, and together we are going to take over the world.
Even with this wonderful new addition to my life, the end of this relationship still hurts. The childhood feelings of abandonment have come back, and I feel rejected. But it's out of my hands. I guess I just have to take a deep breathe and move on. But I'm not ready for that yet. Right now, I'm mad. I'm mad that I'm cut off. I'm mad that I bared my soul, I put it all out there, I told her things that I've never told anyone before. I offered up my heart and soul, only to have it smashed to pieces because of some stupid policy. We were making so much progress, and then it all had to come to a crashing halt. It hurts, and I hope that she can rethink the way she's doing things.
Monday, the day it happened, was horrible. I couldn't stop crying. I felt alone. Rejected. Abandoned. I shut everyone out, and hid under the covers. And then I got mad. I became impulsive, which I'm not usually. I hopped a bus and went downtown. I had money to burn, and I didn't care about saving it. I bought myself a new dress, even though I didn't need one.
Then I hopped on the bus and went to Sam's, where I picked up some more clothes and things that she's giving me. Some nice stuff, too! And the thing about my friendship with Sam...We used to have the provider/client relationship. Sam was my physical therapist on and off for 4 years. Over the span of those 4 years, we became friends and now the provider/client relationships has fallen away, and we are just friends.
Now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm too damn smart for my own good. I think I'll just be mad. It's so much easier.
I'll leave you with this...
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